Terrible

Wow, has it really been 3 months since I last updated? What can I say, life is hectic and crazy busy and my brain is pretty mushy by the time the kids are in bed.

For a while there I really believed that 3 children and a new business was no big deal. I really thought life was grand and we had everything under control. Then Nadia changed. Nadia turned 2 and we hardly even noticed the small creature that was growing inside her, lurking under her skin, waiting to attack!

I exaggerate, but seriously, they call them terrible for a reason. Suddenly life with the 3 amigos is not so chummy.

I think it hit me that things had changed when I one day realised that I yell - a lot - and I really don't like yelling. In fact it's not a form of parenting that I ever wanted to get into. I want to be patient. I want to figure out solutions to my children's problems in a calm and collected manner. I want to work with my children, listen to their ideas and teach them through my actions what is wrong and what is right. I never got into this whole parenting thing so I could yell at my offspring.

But sometimes, I just get that rage that builds up inside of me and it comes out in a rather loud ROOOAAAARRRR!! I scare them. I scare myself. I don't feel better after. Usually the problem I couldn't fix without yelling didn't magically fix itself with yelling added on. Then I hear Lily yelling at Nadia for something and I know that my behaviour as the adult, has taught Lily to act just like me.

Suddenly life with 3 is hard. Nadia won't listen. Nadia likes to bite and hit and pinch Lily and usually it's all 3 things on Lily's face. Lily screams at Nadia and in pain. I try to comfort Lily while sending Nadia to her room. Nadia picks her brother up. She drops him. He cries. I get upset. She hits me because I told her not to do something. I tell her not to hit me. She starts screaming and throws herself on the ground and has a fit. I try to comfort her and she hits me again. Then she hits Oliver. I get really upset and send her to her room. She won't go. I drag her there while Oliver and Lily are screaming and Nadia is still having a screaming fit. I feel stressed. I feel rage. I yell. Everyone is still screaming. Nothing is solved except now they are scared of me for yelling. Eventually everything stops and they carry on as if nothing happened, but I feel awful. And then it happens all over again 5 minutes later and repeats over and over again until I'm totally insane.

That's just one example.

Example number 2. Nadia has decided she wants boobie again ALL THE TIME! She was only nursing before and after her nap and once in the morning and once before bed at night. I was okay with this since I am still nursing Oliver full time. But them she went and changed the rules and now demands boobie all day long. I am sure this is a reaction to me going back to work 3 days a week, but I really don't want to be nursing 2 children full time. She won't be told no either. If I say no she screams and cries and has a fit and it doesn't end it just keeps going and going and going until she's so upset and I am so angry. I have given in now. I don't want to have these negative feeling towards her. If I continue to say no all the time then my whole day with her will be her screaming at me and me just hating being at home with her. Sometimes though I still have to say no. Sometimes I have to nurse Oliver or it is simply not a good time to nurse her. We still have fights over it and it's very frustrating and just plain annoying.

And there are many many more examples.

This is why I have not updated in a while. I do have positive things to say. There are good times. But my head is constantly filled with all this other dreadfully awful stuff that it just pours out of me. I worry all the time that I am not parenting well enough. I feel claustrophobic and often prefer going to work rather than staying home. I'm sure things will change. Nadia will grow up. Lily is a dream child at almost 4 years old. Oliver is the sweetest damn thing I have ever laid eyes on. Things will get easier I'm sure of it. But right now, I am in the thick of it and it's stressful.

Oh and in case you were wondering, I am so not having anymore children!

Nadia is 2!

We celebrated Nadia's second birthday last week with a lovely potluck in the backyard. I can't believe she is 2 already! And what a 2 year old she is, smart, talkative, witty, playful and defiant. You tell that girl "no" and you will absolutely get a tantrum out of her. Ahhhh 2 year olds! At least I've been here before so I know how it goes and can just shrug it off most of the time. Luckily there is a lot more to this 2 year old. Like her amazing ability to hear airplanes and trains far off in the distance long before any of our older ears can hear them. Nadia is incredibly affectionate and if she could she would hug every kid, baby, animal or adult for as long as humanly possible. She loves her brother and tries to pick him up constantly, a bit of a worry if I have to leave the room for a second - but so far so good. She is an animal lover and is great friends with the many ants in our yard. Somehow she can pick them up without squishing them, play with them, talk to them and then let them go unharmed. Nadia is incredibly patient and willing to take the time to figure things out til she gets it right. She is fully in charge of what she wears and I am not really allowed to pick out her clothes. For the most part she comes out of her room looking alright, but occasionally I feel a little embarrassed leaving the house with her in her newest outfit of choice. But I love that she is expressing herself so wonderfully.

So Happy Birthday Nadia my love, you are amazing - keep up the good work!

3 Months!!!

It's true, it's true, tomorrow Oliver will be 3 months old!! These past 3 months have been such a blur of activity that I can hardly remember any of it. Thankfully I have had my beautiful son attached to me the whole time and I feel like we are a pretty good team. I couldn't have asked for a better 3rd baby, a baby who has been so calm and confident through all the craziness of our new business. Oliver seems to know what I need right now, and mainly that is sleep. The boy sleeps better than me most nights and certainly waaaay better than his sisters ever did. Last night he slept for 7 straight hours and the norm is usually 6 straight hours. For a breastfed baby I believe that is pretty good, and considering my history of bad sleeping children I couldn't be happier!

As for Oliver himself, he is such a little sweetheart. He smiles at almost anyone or anything. He is starting to laugh too and I just love his early baby laugh. It looks like he will keep the blue eyes to match mine and Lily's and they are just the prettiest little eyes!

As for measurements he is 12lbs and 23" long. I looked up the girls measurements at 3 months and Lily was 10lbs 21" and Nadia was 11lbs 22" long. Interesting progression! He seems very long to me, his arms and his legs especially. He is getting chubby, but most of his gain is in length not girth.

I am totally in love with my little boy. Lily and Nadia are still quite enamored with him. In fact Nadia is so insistent on holding him all the time that she freaks out if she can't hold him. Lily just randomly gives him kisses and hugs and both of them like to feed him pretend food and read him books. My heart swells...

Potty Trained!

YAY AND HURRAY AND YIPPEE!!

Nadia started potty training HERSELF about 2 months ago. Out of no where she decided she would start going pee on the potty. She'd whip off her own diaper and run to the potty. We encouraged her and found that when we let her hang out in the house with no diaper on she would almost always make it to the potty. As soon as we'd put on her diaper she would make it about 50% of the time. Just in the last couple weeks she started to go to the potty regardless of whether she was wearing a diaper or not, but she was still going poop every time in her diaper or if she didn't have one on she would make us put one on her so she could go poop in it.

But the last 3 days she has been accident free, leaving the house in underwear AND she is now successfully making it to the potty to make her poops EVERY TIME!!

I am so very proud of her and so very relieved to have less laundry and 2 children out of diapers!!

Thank you Nadia...

You've Certainly Got Your Hands Full!

That is one of the most repeated comments when people see me with my 3 children. I just smile and say "yes" cause what else am I to say? It's true I do have my hands full, but the comment is also a whole pile of questions in one - are you okay? Are you happy? Are you crazy? And while I always just say "yes" because it's really what people want to hear, sometimes I would like to go into more detail about just how crazy it really is, but of course I've got my hands full so there isn't really a lot of time for details like that.

I think it really hit me about 2 weeks ago when the boy turned 6 weeks. Along with his baby acne came feelings I expected to feel a lot sooner but really hadn't yet. I suddenly came down from my high and finally had the thought "hey this is hard work!" I tried to ignore it and go back to that happy place, that place where I felt confident and excited and energetic. I do feel these things still, but there are many more negative thoughts as well.

I am finding myself more frustrated and quick to yell these days. Never at the sweet little Oliver baby because it occurred to me that he does less crying and whining than the girls do. Some days all I want to do is hang out with my boy in the calm and gentle manner of babies and yet I am constantly denied this precious time to go tend to some disaster in toddler land. I do suspect that the babymoon for the girls has worn off too, although they continue to wow me with their love for their brother. There are many cute moments in the day and there are plenty of happy fun times too. However the tantrums, outbursts and lack of listening has increased to a level I am not too sure I can handle.

I often look forward to going to work, something I am ashamed to admit. I know it is easier to go to work than to stay at home even if I am working with Oliver. Easier because I am not just cleaning up one mess after another. Easier because people at work talk to me in a language I can understand and they always say please and never yell and scream at me. Easier because I don't hear things like "Ahhhhhhh I can't get bite my own elbow ahhhhhhh" which is just one of the things a very tired Lily was screaming about this afternoon. I laughed of course, but she was seriously pissed off about not being able to accomplish this feat and it took a long time to calm her down and help her understand that it simply isn't possible to do that.

So yes, I do have my hands full these days, full of love but also full of googly gobbly little monkeys who try my patience and test their boundaries every chance they get.